Another drunken lonely rant.

Down here at the Front Page, I feel fine. I guess that's usually the problem with me. I've gotten too complacent with my go nowhere life. A good pint is all I need to be happy. Being single is no fun, but when alcohol is involved, it makes things seem not so bad. But, I wish my life was a little more exciting. No one tells you the movies lie, but they do. There no surprises other than the drama that you create. I sit here looking at all the people wishing I were them. Maybe I'll get a second chance in the next life. But, that's not how it works. You get one shot and then you're done. So, do I go over to that really good looking girl across the bar? No. I'm too much of a pussy. I'm sick of this shit. Fuck this noise. I'm a man in the grandest sense of the word. I work hard, and I play hard. So why am I alone? It's just the roll of the dice. The cards I have been handed suck: I'm in the muck, and I have no where else to go.

Fuck you, and the way you go about life. I want to love, and live. But, my life isn't my own. I have to live the path that destiny has written for me. Fuck destiny, and the way it walks. Destiny is blind, and has no heart. All the stars in the universe would curse the day Destiny was born, if they new they could never change their paths. I have so much to give, and no one to give it to.

A lake of fire is all that awaits us on the other side. Blackest night, and nothingness day. Fate is cruel and unforgiving, and waits for no one. Fuck you, I want to fly where the angels fly. God, give me a reason to stay here, and not go somewhere else. Answer me, I have no one else to talk to.

Merry Fuckin Christmas to you all!

Hello all and merry tidings to you all,
I don't often post on this site, but when I do, I feel I must or I am drunk. I am drunk. I am, saddened once again that I am alone. I am drunk, but yet I am not happy. Once again I am single at a time when others shall be joined. I went to my Company's Christmas dinner alone. I feel as if I will never find Love.  I am as empty as when I was born. I was told, tonight, that I must be an ass to be loved. What a curious contradiction. To be loved is to be hated. I shall not be. It is not my nature.

If I have to be a jackass to be loved then I wish to not be loved. I am a man. If I am a man then a Jackass I shall not be. I watch others, and though they are flawed, they are loved. Though I strive to be a good man, I am ignored.

Is it my mother's fault? To be taught to treat women with respect and courtesy? No, it is own my own fault. I need to be dangerous, but yet compassionate. To be hard, yet loving.  It is a courious contradiction. The highest honor that could be given would be to called: a Spartan. A man that will defend his homeland and wife to all extremes and yet not show any softness or love. 

I sit here, in my room. I watch movies that extol the virtues of being wholesome and just. But that does not yet earn me Love. To be a man requires a measure of aloofness to which I am not comfortable. Of which, I may never be comfortable.

I am lost. Am I forever to be forgotten? Am I, the mediocre messure of what man should be?

I know this sounds of Emo shit. But I don't wear eyeliner and black. I wear ties, and buttoned-up shirts. I wish to be of the Elite. The proud, and powerful.  

But yet, I am alone. I believe in the power of free-enterprise, and the compassion of univeral health care.

What am I to do?

I am too soft.

Half tired musing about meeting people

I'm hopping around on MySpace as I sometimes accustomed to doing, and I see that I have 1,412 profile views. For some that's not a lot, and I bet that most of those views were just net bots looking to steal my information. But really could you meet that many people in day? Maybe you could meet one person in a day, and really get to know him or her. Go ahead and think about it. I won't stop you. Take five minutes, and come back here when you are done. OK, good, you're back. Now think about this: what if you met one new person each day. That would be 365 people in a year, and if you really got to know them then that would be 365 more souls that you came close to understanding. It would be nice if we all could get to know each other a little bit better. Then the world might not have as many problems as it does now. Maybe our lives would feel a little more whole if we took five minutes each day to fucking give a shit about someone we don't know. Last Friday night, I met an acquaintance whom I new from a local video game store. He's a manager there. I had been drinking. Hell, we all had been drinking. I was there with my friend Bruce, and I said hello to this game store guy that I barely knew. He starts to tell me about what's going on in his life, but I don't really listen to him. He was looking for some advice and guidance. At the time I really couldn't give two shits about his life, because it's his life. I just said my goodbyes after my drink, and left the bar. People do ask me for advice sometimes. Sometimes I know what to say, and the other times I fucking don't. But, if I could make an effort to care about someone I really don't know then I might just make a difference in someone's life. But I was assuming that the shit he was dealing with wasn't just as important as my shit is to me. I think as a society we judge people to quickly. In the Infinite Net, we have MySpace, FaceBook, and Adult Friend Finder profiles. But it's just like a judging a book by it's cover. Nine tenths of what we think when we first see one of those profiles is whether she or he is hot or not. We never think I would like to get to know that person, and find out what they are like. What their soul is like if such a thing exists. I'm guilty of this too. I see really hot chick online, and I think how awesome it would be to just bang her, no strings attached. I don't think: I wonder what her favorite author or album is. Is it pathetic that I am being led around by my cock like most of my sex? I used to think that I was a good guy, but "meeting new people" is just another euphemism for trying to get laid. Anyway, it's just a musing.

No ones likes you.

Face it, no one likes you. They like the you that's better, and perfect. They don't want to see the real you. If they did Ross Perot would have become President. That squirrelly little man with big ears would have been seen as a THE conservative business giant that he is. True, he wouldn't hire you if your face wasn't cleanly shaved everyday of the week. But, like everyone else he wants his version of the perfect you. Everyone says that it would be nice if we could just slow down and take life as it comes. Thats grade A bullshit. Harder, better, faster, and stronger: thats the motto for this new technological age. Our whole culture is trying to "improve" on ourselves. I am not limited from the mass of people trying to be something more than what they were originally. I am deaf in my left ear, and have been so for all of my life. Now I can get an implant that could give me almost complete hearing in that ear. But why should I? Am I defective? Am I less of a man or person for having this disability. Its not a disability, and I am not handicapped. I live fine without that left ear, and I will for a long time. Hell, I used to play violin pretty damn well. But, I could have more, and thats what we all want. We want what we can't have. If we can't have the perfect you then we don't want you. We won't like you.

The best moment for me was after the game.

For most people tonight the Super Bowl was the event to watch on TV. For me it was just a prelude to the real excitment. For those of you who haven't heard me say it: I love watching "House". Now I'm not saying that tonight's game wasn't the best Super Bowl in years; it was. The game was awesome, Tom Petty was great, and the commercials were entertaining just as they always are. However, I was mostly looking forward to the House special that was after the game.


There are some things that people could say about the main character from that show, and most of what they would say are not polite nor pleasant. But, after watching House, I was left wondering about the nature of the character and my ownself as it compares to that character. I was left to think about one part about House's behavior: how he is anti-social. After reading what is true Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), I don't see those qualities in myself. Mainly, to have APD one must have a pervasive pattern of disregard or violate, the rights of others. If I have one flaw in my romantic relationships is that I am too scared that I will offend the person I'm with or some how not care enough about them. I try to compensate for that which comes off as needy or giving off a sense not having any confidence. House disregards the feelings of others. I don't, and I try not to. So when I say that I might be anti-social then I am just using that as a generalized term.


In my previous post, I talked about that I don't go out very much, and that I live vicariously through the lives and personalities I see on TV. I thought that it might due to that I was just being lazy. But tonight I thought what if I am being anti-social. One of my friends had a little party at a bar last Thursday to celebrate her birthday. Now it is true that the same day I did spent twelve hours at work, and I was tired from that. However, I wanted to party, but I didn't feel like partying. So I sat at the bar, and drank two Guinesses and a couple of shots. I was hardly the life of the party. Also, I am pretty much broke tonight, but I could have gone down to the Front Page to watch the game down there. I hardly speak to any of my roomates, and I mostly watch all my movies alone in my apartment. If not for the hours I spend at work; I would be alone.


Now, I'm not depressed, and I do find that I am happy that I can be independent. But, am I just substituting real independence to be anti-social. Most of time I rationalize that the reason for sitting alone at home all the time and not go out is that I am broke. But there are alot of things that I could do that are free. I could go to a church service, sit out in the sun and people watch while listening to one of my favorite bands, or go window shopping.

So am I anti-social? No, I don't think so. I like being around my co-workers as they are my friends, and I miss my friends from college and Pittsburgh. I feel that I am at a point in my life where living on my own just means that I will be spending more time alone. I think the main cause for this feeling that I am alone is the apartment that I live in. We only share two rooms: the bathroom and the kitchen. There is a common dining room, but we just use it as a storage room. We all watch tv, eat, and relax in our own rooms. I could go a week or two and not see my other roommates. I think I am used to living with more people, and with less room to myself. So unless I want to give up some space then I am just going to have to get used to being more alone. Besides, right now I can pretty much do what I want when I want to do it. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Comparing myself with House shows me that while he might be funnier; I can be a much nicer guy. He's still really cool though.

Here's a clip from the show for your pleasure.



P.S. Oh just something I thought of: I am glad I am not famous. If my fat ass was on TV then I am sure that people would make so much fun of me. I wouldn't mind being rich; just not famous. Just a thought.

Living Vicariously

Everybody has their own recipe for fun. Mine lately has been to just to stay at home, and veg out in front of my TV and computer. Some adults live vicariously through their children. I live it through the characters on the TV. Sure, the characters on TV have better things to do than soccer matches, piano lessons, and endless parent teacher conferences. But still what I do can't be healthy.

I tried to be more active when I first came to DC. I went to the National Zoo, Air and Space Museum, and the Natural History Museum. I love Georgetown, Dupont Circle, and Chinatown. I think the real problem is my laziness, but I can't help but think that part of the blame also lives with that the world has become smaller. I really want to see Paris, but I seriously doubt that will ever happen. But why worry when I can see it through the eyes of chef Anthony Bourdain.

I have a plan to rectify that.

For awhile now I have been wanting to make a small two-day vacation to Atlantic City. I thinking that I will stay at the Showboat hotel. Its not too expensive, and there is a casino on site. Amtrak seems the way to go. Flights are too expensive, and taking Greyhound is, well, too cramped. I've taken 5 hour trips on a greyhound bus, and if you are lucky to get two seats to yourself then its not too bad. But I've done that and got the t-shirt. I can't remember one meaningful conversation I've had with someone on those buses. Well, that's not true, but I don't want to go into that story. Anyway, I hope to do this vacation some time in March or April.

About, two weeks ago I received an email from a friend I have not seen in a long while. I hope to hear from her very soon.

Goodbye, 2007. Nice to know you.

Well, I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I spent it with my family as usual. Now its already New Year's Eve, and 2007 is almost over. I just wish that D.C. metro area would have had a White Christmas. Only having rain just really sucks. Having forty two degree weather is good when you have to walk to work, but if I don't have to go any where then I would to see some snow. I've got to get a decent digital camera sometime so I can take some pictures of this area.


So what did we learn this year? If you watched the History channel you would know that scientists have finally discovered a blueprint for what happened during the Big Bang using a probe called the WWMAP, and that there were speeds faster than that of the speed of light. If you watched TMZ then you learned that we are much too concerned with the business of celebrities, and consider some of them "role models". I will admit that I read the TMZ blog sometimes so that doesn't make me a hypocrite. Though why we see those people as role models doesn't make any sense to me. There are very few Hollywood celebrities that I would see as role models for myself, but they really don't apply to me since I am not an actor. My role models would have to be Steve Jobs and Bill Gates as they excel in business and technology. If you watched the news too much then you might be caught up in the fear and sensationalism. Some people say that life is short, but if you watched I Think I Love My Wife then you might believe that life is long and you have to live with the consequences of your actions.


I want to leave this year touching upon two thoughts; the first on a sad one, and then happy a one.


Many sad events have happened this year. I think the worst was the Virginia Tech Massacre. I think that it was the worst event to happen to this country since 9/11. I think the saddest part about it was that it could have been prevented if the gunman had been given the proper psychological treatment. He had been deemed mentally ill by a Virginia Special Justice, and was forced to take outpatient treatment. If he had been made to take inpatient treatment then the massacre might not have happened. But hindsight is always 20/20 vision, and we always wish that we could push rewind.


For me personally: the worst event was when my grandparents left for Arizona. They lived in West Virginia for more than forty years. Other than my mom, they were the ones that raised me from just a baby. Still to this day they pray for me everyday. I have never met my biological father. Even though having him in my life might have made my family more stable financially; I am glad he wasn't there. My mom, step dad, and grandparents were enough.


I think the best event of this year was when the number of deaths in Iraq started to go down. Hopefully this trend will continue. I have family members in the military, and I am glad that my family has not lost anyone in this war.


I've had a lot of ups and downs this year, but the best thing for me this year was that I got to meet some new people. I hope I get to develop some friendships with those people next year, and I hope next year will be better for everyone.

Happy New Year!

Bond, James Bond

I've just watched Casino Royale for about the sixth time, and I think it has replaced The Hunt for Red October as my all-time favorite movie. For me Sean Connery was the best bond, but Daniel Craig's portrayal of the great spy showed a realness of the character that none of the other movies have come close to. Casino Royale is the best bond movie yet. It modernizes the franchise without the use of outlandish gadgetry or over-hyped sex. It's one classy movie.

Video test.

Just a test of my cellphone video camera.

Holy Fucken Woot!

Just awesome!

Awwww.... shit. It's that time of year again?

So I just wasted another two hours of my life...again. Spike TV aired it's now annual Video Game Awards tonight. I'm all for the betterment of the gaming industry, but this is just bullshit. The only people on the show that I could believe that play video games hardcore are Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn. Maybe, Samuel L. plays, but the rest I highly doubt it. All the rest of those people I could do without. Just saying that you are a gamer doesn't make you one. I've been playing ever since my grandmother had the bad idea of letting me step into an arcade.

The only thing that saved the show for me was that they had the Video Games Live orchestra there to play for commercial breaks and the two times where they focused on them. Well the half naked girls did help to distract me from the blandness of it all.

I think whats really going on is that the advertisers..ahem "producers" forgot that the people who were gaming when it first started are now older than thirty years old. I don't need to have some waffer thin actress to tell me that games are cool and are now mainstream. Well, thats enough of my ranting, see below for some Video Games Live goodness.


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